I had the weirdest feeling about my green pen last Thursday.
It’s hard to describe what happened. It was like a crack of lightning in my brain, in an instant, I knew.
When the pen runs out, so will I.
As you can imagine, this was a slightly alarming moment. I was holding my life in my hands, quite literally.
After a moment’s pause, I began to think of some options. First I thought that I could just keep it and not use the last bits of ink. I could put it in a special box at a good temperature for a pen (?) with padding, which sounds eerily like a pen coffin. But I guess it would dry out eventually wherever I kept it? Would that be sooner than if I used it? I simply don’t know and I don’t have time to experiment for the pen is already running out of ink and the nib has become ‘slightly scratchy’.
But Lucy, I feel great! I’ve never been healthier. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t have irresponsible sex, I don’t climb mountains or jump off them. I eat pretty healthily. Have I done damage from all the times I did do all those things? (except the mountain stuff, I’ve never done that).
I could use the pen with gusto, live my life so to speak, through my pen. But for certain it will go quickly and I don’t want that either, there’s so much still left to do. I want to love and be loved in return (though if someone is slightly more grateful than the other, I don’t want that to be me). I also want to stand up for myself in the moment, discover my life purpose, and go to a proper fashion show. I need time for these things.
I Google’d to see what other people do in this situation. Do other people even know? Is it just green pens? Is it just middle aged women? Is it just me?
Google comes up with a few discussion threads about how to avoid buying cheap pens that run out (the main headline being ‘avoid pound shops’), but nothing more.
I’ve had these flashes before where I’ve just known things. Other times I’ve dreamed things that turned out to be real. I am also convinced that I have healing hands, though it’s only occurring to me now that if that were true, why haven’t I ever tried to heal anyone?
Maybe if I’d healed people I would have more ink in my pen. Maybe I can make it fill up again if I do more good works? But no, once a pen becomes ‘slightly scratchy’ there’s no going back.
Even though I don’t gamble, I decide to now. I’ll leave the pen in a pot at work. People always steal other people’s pens. Maybe someone will use it too much, too quickly. Maybe someone will throw it in the bin, deciding that ‘slightly scratchy’ means ‘no good’, and I’ll end up in landfill waiting it out.
Either way, I’m certain I don’t want to know, so like the rest of my life, I’ll leave it to chance.