I found this post which I never quite finished at the time. It was from when I’d just met Chris online but not yet met him in person. It’s our Second-year anniversary on Sunday (of our first Zoom date – as you may remember, we met in Lockdown) – so I thought I’d send it now in honour of that.
As you know, I’m on a dating App hoping to meet my husband. Ha! I’ve just read that as I typed it! What a tall order. It’s like saying I’d like to be a rock star by simply listening to Spotify.
Being single at the tender age of 51 (a number I still find hard to say out loud) is not a position I thought I’d still be in, or at least hoped I wouldn’t be in.
I’ve done ALOT of internet dating over the years and it’s not like I don’t have options. I get plenty of offers, just the wrong kind. “Oh god I love red hair, is it real? God, I love redheads!” “No, it’s a wig, goodbye.”– Fetish. “I love older women, can I send you photos?” “No, run along to Mummy now,” I’ve simply not got the energy to be a Cougar, or the heels. This is only the tip of the iceberg on internet dating, but this is not what this is about.
I’m writing to you because I’m scared, genuinely scared.
I’ve met a man online that I actually like, he’s called Chris. I instinctively like him and I always trust that. We’ve spoken a few times and Zoomed once. There’s a glimmer of hope, but it’s overshadowed by fear and doubt.
At this age, I’ve had way too long to build up barricades; to my feelings, my vulnerability etc. What if I can’t come out from behind them? I’ve always been a late starter, but can I really learn to be in a mature, loving and respectful relationship at this stage of my life? What relevant experience do I have? I knock it out of the park when it comes to ‘pleasing myself,’ and ‘doing things the way I like them,’ but draw a blank when it comes to, ‘putting someone else first’ or, dare I say it, ‘compromising…’
It already feels like ‘yes, we could have a relationship,’ but that’s not going to be the hard part. I’m afraid I may never be able to be with anyone and it will simply be because I just can’t do it.
Here are my major concerns – and I promise, there are ALOT more:
- Can I accept the back seat status I’d have to take in this relationship? He has kids, so whether he intends it or not, I’ll always come last in the pecking order. I want to be someone’s main priority. But I also have unused ‘mother’ urges that I’d like to put to use.
- What if the kids hate me?
- Worse still, what if I’m accepted into his family with open arms. Will I be able to accept? Coming in from the outside is always hard for me, no matter how much you’ve helped me with this, and you have.
- I’m high-maintenance parading as low-maintenance, the worst kind according to Harry (When Harry met Sally). “Oh yes, it’s fine…” says, laughing. It’s not fine. It’s never fine, whatever it is, and you’ll never know about my long list of why it’s not fine until it bites you in the ass. I need to woman up and talk about my needs, but there are just so many of them.
- And what about Misophonia. Most people don’t take it seriously and I can understand that, it sounds totally made-up. But it’s not, and if he triggers my Misophonia, he’ll have to go, no matter how much I like him. The weight of this has never felt heavier. It really can, and sometimes does, disable my life. I can manage this alone, but how can I expect someone else to work around it with me? Should I just accept it’s easier to be alone?
But what if…
I love him and he loves me, and appreciates who I am. What if he supports me and cares for me, makes me feel loved, considered and safe. That’s all I really want at the end of the day, I think. Is that perhaps the scariest thing of all? To actually trust, allow and accept those things from another?
Well, the way I feel now, I’m up for finding out, as terrifying as it all is. And if things get messy, then let them. I can handle it. I want to live, not just be alive, and living is all about other people.
As of today – our Two-year anniversary
As you know Dear Lucy, my fears and worries were not unfounded, but here I am – here we are – two years later regardless. I was ready. Chris is what I’d hoped for but one thing I never predicted was that it would be Chris who would support me through my relationship struggles (along with my ace support team of course). I could go on and on about all his wonderful qualities and attributes but he knows what I think, and probably, so do you. As wonderful as he is, he isn’t perfect, and neither am I. But we are perfect for each other.
PS If you’re reading this, Happy 2nd Zoomiversary darling. X